This is not a post to preach about why you should or should not use spanking as a punishment technique. This post is just to explain our reasoning in choosing not to spank our kids.
First off, let me say, we started off really terrible at discipline. I have been blessed with an amazing little boy who very rarely- I'm talking twice a month- does something genuinely punishable. What that means is, when he actually does something that deserves discipline, his father and I are scrambling, looking at each other, like what the heck are we supposed to do?
So, I started doing some research about discipline and I found that many, many times, parents just spank because they don't know what else to do. Either that, or they are embarrassed of the behavior and they think spanking makes them look like they have control.
Here's why it doesn't work for us:
We were at a children's event where my then two year old and I witnessed a father repeatedly spanking his little girl. She was obviously tired and hot and needed a nap and a cuddle more than a spanking. But, she was screaming and crying and he was embarrassed, so it went like this "Stop crying or I'm going to spank you again." Child is fearful and cries more. Dad spanks her. She cries louder. "Stop crying or I'm going to spank you again." Over. And Over. And Over. This man was pleading with this toddler to stop crying so he wouldn't have to spank her again, but spanking her just made her cry more. And by the end they both were just tired and needed to cuddle.
My toddler's reaction to this was stunning to me. He said, "Why does that man keep hitting that little girl?"
Just stop for a second and think about that. Why does that man keep hitting that little girl?
At that moment, I knew I would never hit my children again. Because that is what it is. A big person is hitting a little person and that just doesn't feel right to my heart.
The second reason we don't spank is because I did spank. One time. When my child was around 18 months old and I was that parent I just talked about. Tired, frustrated, busy, didn't know what to do. I told my child to do something and he ran away. I found him and swatted his cute little cloth diaper butt. No big deal. Except that he told me that entire scenario and how scared he was of me on that day yesterday. Yea, he's three now. And he remembered the entire thing. And that's why I am writing this post today. Just hoping that somebody else might be at the point of spanking, or spanking often, and not realize the impact they might be having.
The third reason we don't spank is because I don't want my children to be afraid of me. As a child and even a teenager, I was threatened with spanking. I was 15 years old and my mom would say, "You're not too old to spank. Your Granddad still spanked me when I was dating your dad." That, my friends, is ridiculous. And I know that now and I know that my mom was that parent I just talked about that didn't know what else to do. But, at a time when my mom should have wanted me to talk to her the most, she put fear into me and it made me back even farther away from her. I want to talk to my boys so they will listen and listen so they will talk. I should be their biggest comfort in this world, not what they are most afraid of. I can find other methods of discipline that turn them into fine young men of God without them being afraid of me.
So, do what you want with your children. It really is up to you. Maybe in that moment that you want to hit, put yourself and your child in time out and take the time to decide if spanking is the right punishment for the crime.
But as for my house, we will not hit each other. And the joy I get from hearing my toddler say that and be confident in it is worth more to me than the instant satisfaction of giving a spanking could ever give me.
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